


Recipe for Disaster

by LindtLuirae



Series: Infinity War Hurt Me, This is The Product [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, F/M, Group chat, M/M, and wade doesn't know anything that isn't r rated, but it's quiet entertaining to watch, but we forgive him, loki doesn't know just why he's there, now tony's suffering, occasionally our heroes roast each other, peter parker fucked up big time, tony doesn't know how to not be r rated either sometimes, who the fuck is dp anyway
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-05-25 03:47:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14968424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LindtLuirae/pseuds/LindtLuirae
Summary: Peter Parker did what Nick Fury failed to. He unwittingly brought together a group of remarkable people.[or, a silly marvel group chat fic that no one asked for]





	1. Where It All Started

**Author's Note:**

> This is a silly, so very not serious fic. Enjoy.

 

 

**Spideyboi created group chat:** _“Earth’s Mightiest Heroes”_

 

**Spideyboi** added  **Tony Stark** ,  **Steve Rogers** ,  **Natasha** ,  **Clint** ,  **A Mad Scientist** and  **God of Thunder** to _ Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. _

 

**Tony Stark:** Uh, not that I don’t support friendly chatter but why am  _ I _ in this chat and who said I had the time for it

 

**Spideyboi** : Oh

 

**Spideyboi** : Um

 

**Spideyboi:** Sorry Mr Stark… I just thought it would be cool if we all got to chat

 

**Tony Stark:** Kid, I gave you my personal number for  _ emergencies _

 

**Spideyboi:** …

 

**Spideyboi:** Are you going to leave me like my father did :’(

 

**Tony Stark:** Oh wow you’re pulling this on me now? 

 

**Spideyboi:** I cried for days

 

**Tony Stark:** this is guilt tripping. I raised you better than this.

 

**Natasha:** If I may interject. You raised him exactly like this.

 

**Tony Stark:** Whose side are you on Natasha

 

**Steve Rogers:** Mine. 

 

**Tony Stark:** Whoa! Take that back immediately, that’s behind us.

 

**A Mad Scientist:** Good morning and why am I here

 

**Tony Stark:** And really Bruce? A mad scientist?

 

**A Mad Scientist:** Pun fully intended

 

**Tony Stark:** Maybe you do need to be in a gc. Surely talking to someone will help.

 

**A Mad Scientist:** fuck you Tony

 

**Steve Rogers:** language

 

**God of Thunder:** Oh just drop the daddy act already

 

**Tony Stark:** the only time he'll ever be a daddy 

 

**Tony Stark:** i mean what

 

**Spideyboi:** err, minor here

 

**Tony Stark:** Get out of this chat

 

**Spideyboi:** I  _ made _ this chat!

 

**Clint:** Are we all going to ignore the fact that Thor is on social media under the name of God of Thunder or what

 

**Natasha:** Working on it actually

 

**Steve Rogers** added  **Bucky Barnes** to  _ Earth’s Mightiest Heroes _ .

 

**Steve Rogers:** If I’m going to have to endure this I’d rather have Buck here to keep me sane

 

**Bucky Barnes:** uh, no offence, but I’m the last person you should turn to for sanity

 

**Tony Stark:** Did you just roast yourself

 

**Bucky Barnes:** part of the charm

 

**Bucky Barnes:** so is anyone going to explain this messaging group 

 

**Spideyboi:** um well, I just thought it would be fun

 

**God of Thunder:** Fun it shall be

 

**God of Thunder:** as long as Steve doesn’t parent us

 

**God of Thunder** added  **Loki** to  _ Earth’s Mightiest Heroes _ .

 

**God of Thunder:** just to even things up a bit

 

**Loki:** What’s the meaning of this brother

 

**Dp:** it means you’re a part of this shitshow now

 

**Tony Stark:** Where did _ you _ come from

 

**Dp:** I’m pretty sure a vagina. 

 

**Dp:** I mean I never knew my mother.

 

**Dp:** But I’m pretty sure I came from a vagina

 

**Tony Stark:** …

 

**Steve Rogers:** Good god

 

**God of Thunder:** Care to at least identify yourself

 

**Dp:** I’m Dp

 

**Tony Stark:** What’s Dp stand for

 

**Dp:** Take a wild guess

 

**Tony Stark:** Double penetration?

 

**Spideyboi:** oHMYGOD

 

**Spideyboi:** MR STARK

 

**Tony Stark:** he did say a ‘wild’ guess

 

**Dp:** oh I like you

 

**Dp:** call me Wade

 

**Tony Stark:** Thanks

 

**Tony Stark:** But I still don’t know who you are.

 

**Dp:** I’m an old friend of Wolverine’s

 

**Clint:** Somehow I’m more worried now

 

**Loki:** What, pray tell, am I supposed to even out? It appears even to me. If this Dp person doesn’t murder the lot of you in a crazy fit then I might just be inclined to do it myself.

 

**God of Thunder:** he doesn’t mean that.

 

**Dp:** Woohooooo another crazy lunatic! 

 

**Loki:** Speak for yourself, double penetration or whatever your name was.

 

**Dp:** fair enough

 

**Bucky Barnes:** So

 

**Bucky Barnes:** how do you leave this place

 

**Bucky Barnes** : asking for a friend

 

**Dp:** oh that’s easy

 

**Dp:** you die

  



	2. Mister Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what’s an ass guard and where can I get one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case you forgot, this is just a silly fic.

**Spideyboi** added  **Dr Strange** to _Earth’s Mightiest Heroes_.

 

**Spideyboi** : sorry it just doesn’t feel right without him

 

**God of Thunder:** Peter who is this person

 

**Dr Strange:** Dr Strange, Dr Stephen Strange

 

**Dp:** HAHAHHAHAHAH

 

**Dp:** your name is strange 

 

**Spideyboi:** Wade that’s mean he’s like my dad so be nice

 

**Dp:** Alright soz

 

**Dp:** it’s nice to meet you Mister Doctor Stephen Strange

 

**Dr Strange:** not this again

 

**Spideyboi:** …

 

**Spideyboi:** brb

**Tony Stark:** why is Peter on the floor laughing

**Tony Stark:** …

**Tony Stark:** Oh my god

**Tony Stark:** you walked straight into that one Strange

**Dr Strange:** how do you leave this place

**Bucky Barnes:** we do not ask this question anymore.

**Dr Strange:** anymore…?

**Loki:** actually, I still want to know how

**Dr Strange:** … I’m sorry is this Loki of Asgard

**Loki:** In the flesh

**Loki:** Hello again, second-rate wizard

**Dr Strange:** You have cell reception in  _ Asgard _ ?

**Loki:** No but I, am a god. Oh, and I can do magic. 

**Dp:** what’s an ass guard and where can I get one?

**God of Thunder:** Loki stop messing with them. Asgard has been destroyed a while ago Mister Doctor. Loki now resides on Earth.

**Dr Strange:** ....

**Dr Strange:** Oh boy

**Dr Strange:** It’s too early for this

**Dr Strange:** I need coffee

**Tony Stark:** now you know what my life feels like

 

 **Tony Stark:** And speaking of lives, I have one to get on with. 


	3. Ding Dong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only straight Tony is, is straight up his own ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates won't always be this fast but I get inspiration randomly~

**God of Thunder:** uh, guys

 

**God of Thunder:** We might have a problem

 

**A Mad Scientist:** What kind of problem

 

**God of Thunder:** Loki’s gone missing

 

**A Mad Scientist:** that ain’t a problem

 

**A Mad Scientist:** that’s a fucking disaster

 

**Loki:** calm down you imbeciles 

 

**Loki:** I’m not lost

 

**Loki:** I’m just getting coffee downstairs

 

**Spideyboi:** oh

 

**Spideyboi:** are you the super sexy, dark-haired, but greasy af guy the waiter was talking about when I ordered coffee?

 

**Loki:** first of all, it’s not greasy, it’s shiny

 

**Loki:** second of all

 

**Loki:** he did seem strangely excited to serve me something as mundane as coffee

 

**Spideyboi:** I think the waiter has a crush on you Mr Loki

 

**God of Thunder:** Loki’s probably not interested

 

**Loki:** _ Loki  _ decides for himself if he’s interested Thor

 

**Spideyboi:** Are you????

 

**Loki:** mildly

 

**Spideyboi:** oh!

 

**Spideyboi** : Mr Loki are you bisexual???

 

**Spideyboi:** try pansexual

 

**Loki:** I think

 

**Loki:** Earth is weird, I don’t get its terms

 

**Loki:** but this is your precious google’s result

 

**Dp:** _another_ pansexual? Fuck yeah!

 

**Loki:** too bad you’re not my type

 

**Dp:** oooh and what’s your type Mr Loki ;)

 

**Spideyboi:** this chat is not as straight as I expected 

 

**Natasha:** This chat? Straight? 

 

**Clint:** I believe I’m the only straight person in here

 

**Thor:** Isn’t Tony straight?

 

**Dr Strange:** if I may point out, the only straight Tony is is straight up his own ass.

 

**Tony Stark:** If  _ Tony _ may interject, the only straight he is is straight up your ass Stephen.

 

**Natasha:** uh 

 

**Natasha:** is there something you guys wanna tell us?

 

**Tony Stark:** Nope

 

**Dr Strange:** Not at all

 

**Natasha:** …

 

**Natasha:** Barnes it's your turn to come out

 

**Steve Rogers:** come out? 

**Steve Rogers:** oh wait, I just caught up

**Bucky Barnes:** well as Tony so eloquently put it

**Bucky Barnes:** the only straight I am is straight up Steve’s ass

**Tony Stark:** why is peter on the floor again

**Tony Stark:** oh gods blegh

**Tony Stark:** the mental image is horrendous

**Bucky Barnes** added  **Black Panther** to  _ Earth’s Mightiest Heroes _ .

**Bucky Barnes:** sorry but this place is too white 

**Black Panther:** Wakanda shit is this

**Spideyboi:** hAHAHAHAHAHHA

 

**Tony Stark:** if Peter dies I’m blaming you all.

**Steve Rogers:** He brought this on himself

**Tony Stark** added  **Rhodey** to  _ Earth’s Mightiest Heroes _ .

**Tony Stark:** there, I’ve done my part Barnes

**Steve Rogers** added  **Falcon** to  _ Earth’s Mightiest Heroes _ .

**Steve Rogers:** I won’t be outdone

**Rhodey:** man am I confused

**Falcon:** you had a superhero group chat without  _ me _ ?

**Steve Rogers:** take it up with Parker

**Spideyboi:** oi, no use of my real name in here

_ -Spideyboi deleted Steve Roger’s message- _

 

**Spideyboi:** and sorry sam

**Spideyboi:** you see

**Spideyboi:** I don’t actually have your phone number

**Falcon:** Dishonour on you

**Falcon:** Dishonour on your cow

**Spideyboi:** o h mygod

**Spideyboi:** iM SOERY

**Tony Stark:** if Peter starts crying I’m coming for you next Sam

**Loki:** this is divine coffee indeed

**Loki:** thank that waiter again for me Spider boy

**Spideyboi:** oh I’m sure it was great to meet you Mr Loki! 

**Loki:** it

**Loki:** it was great… to meet Loki?

**God of Thunder:** brother are those tears I see in your eyes

**Loki:** no.

**Loki:** I got some dust in my eye

**Spideyboi:** of course it’s great! You’re so cool! You can make things disappear and you do that thing with your knife

**Spideyboi:** I think Mr Loki deserves more recognition

**Loki:** the Spider boy is the only intellectual in this group chat

**Tony Stark:** Peter I raised you better than this

**Clint:** can we agree you raised no child ever

 

_ - _ **_Tony Stark_ ** _ blocked  _ **_Clint_ ** _ - _

**Clint:** ouch

**Clint:** unblock me you lil shit

_ - _ **_Tony Stark_ ** _ unblocked  _ **_Clint_ ** _ - _

**Clint:** bitch

**Tony Stark:** alright that’s it

**Tony Stark:** come pack your stuff

**Tony Stark:** go sleep with your cows tonight

**Clint:** I’ll have you know I raised amazing cows

**Tony Stark:** ha

**Tony Stark:** with a face like yours I’m sure they had a great role model

**Dp:** ding dong ding dong 

**Clint:** TAKE THAT BACK

**Dr Strange:** I think I just witnessed a murder

**Spideyboi:** this is a FRIENDLY group chat! Mr Stark calm down. 

**Tony Stark:** he started it and you know it

**Rhodey:** my gods it’s too early for this

**Spideyboi:** alright off you go everyone

**Spideyboi:** this group will take a temporary break

**Spideyboi:** meanwhile think about what you’ve done Clint.


	4. Explain A Movie Plot Badly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In an effort to lighten the mood, Peter suggests a light-hearted game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimed: None of the movie quotes are mine.

**Spideyboi:** guuuuuuuuuys

 

**Spideyboi:** guysguysguys 

 

**Spideyboi:** let’s play a game to lighten the mood

 

**Loki:** A game? 

 

**Loki:** Does it involve stabbing

 

**Spideyboi:** no! 

 

**Spideyboi:** Let’s try to explain movie plots as badly as possible and have others guess them

 

**Loki:** … what’s a movie?

 

**Spideyboi:** oh my god Mr Loki

 

**Spideyboi:** Have you never seen a movie?!

 

**Spideyboi:** that must be remedied immediately!

 

**Tony Stark:** Drug addicted girl takes advantage of mentally challenged boy for three decades.

 

**Falcon:** Wait

 

**Falcon:** … Forrest Gump?

 

**Steve Rogers:** Oh my god

 

**Tony Stark:** Bingo!

 

**Dr Strange:** Grumpy emo chick ponders whether to shag a corpse or a dog over several years

 

**Tony Stark:** That’s an easy one, Twilight.

 

**Spideyboi:** …….

 

**Spideyboi:** omggg

 

**Clint:** Noseless guy has an unhealthy obsession with a teenage boy

 

**Spideyboi:** huh?

 

**Spideyboi:** Don’t tell me you mean…

 

**Spideyboi:** _he who shall not be named_

 

**Clint:** haha

 

**Natasha:** A guy is two guys

 

**Steve Rogers:** A guy is two guys?

 

**Natasha:** oh come on Steve, it’s like the greatest movie of all time

 

**Tony Stark:** rule number one… we do not talk about how ancient steve is

 

**Tony Stark:** rule number two… we do not mock Steve about how ancient he is

 

**Dr Strange:** hahahahahhahaha

 

**A Mad Scientist:** did Strange just  _ laugh _ …?

 

**Tony Stark:** Leave him alone bruce

 

**Clint:** Protective aren’t we

 

**Spideyboi:** Fight Club right? That’s the movie you meant?

 

**Natasha:** Bingo!

 

**Falcon:** Invite your friends to art museums otherwise they’ll drown

 

**Spideyboi:** …

 

**Spideyboi:** how dare you

 

**Tony Stark:** that’s it, Sam you’re out, bye

 

_ -Spideyboi removed Falcon from Earth’s Mightiest Heroes- _

 

**Spideyboi:** That’ll teach him to say insensitive things about my favourite childhood movie

 

**A Mad Scientist:** Annnnd no mood was lightened

**Author's Note:**

> See? Just a silly so very not serious fic. A penny for your thoughts?


End file.
